I remember her clearly. Asian with a perfect figure. Lean. Pale skin. Long black hair. Large yet firm breasts. I could see them because she was nude. She was lying down on a bed with a seductive smile, her legs wide open for my teenage eyes to devour. This was my first taste of pornography.

She was a photo I found on the Internet. This was before fast cable, during the dial-up days when loading images took minutes, not seconds. Because of this long wait, and the only computer available was in my family’s living room, I printed her out onto paper, among a few other women I selected. These printouts became my most prized possession. I hid them in a drawer under my clothes, only to take them out from time to time to feast upon their naked glory.

Eventually I acquired a computer in my private bedroom, as well as a speedy Internet connection. This changed everything. Long gone were hidden printouts and sneaking around on my family’s shared computer. Now with my new setup, I could indulge myself in whatever fantasy I desired, whenever I wanted. At my fingertips I had access to thousands of free explicit videos of all types. As a hormone raging teenager who craved sex, this was a dream come true.

I was not without guilt of course. Growing up in a strict Mormon family, I was taught by church leaders about the evils of pornography and masturbation. They told me to never succumb to those temptations or else I’ll be damned to Hell. This moral shaming didn’t stop me, but it did make me feel guilty. After every session I felt disgusted with myself and promised I’d never do it again, which never worked. I always found myself back to where I started.

This continued for years. Viewing pornography and masturbating became a daily ritual for me, if not multiple times a day. I had my favorite websites and favorite videos with my favorite porn actresses. They were like my personal harem. I would choose whichever body I fancied that day to serve my needs, as well as continually searched for more fresh meat. I was always on the hunt.

With a near infinite supply of digital women, requiring no effort to court or seduce, the only limit to my indulgence was me. I would click through 10, 20, or even 30 videos each session which only lasted fifteen minutes or so. I wouldn’t watch the whole videos of course, but only skimmed enough to find the perfect scene worthy of my orgasm.

As videos became familiar, they became boring. I constantly needed new and more exciting content to arouse me. This led me to a dark path where I began to search for novel videos of risqué or obscene nature. Thankfully, I stopped before it got too dark (e.g. child porn), a wretched pit where many porn addicts eventually find themselves in.

I was a porn addict, but I didn’t think so. I thought I was a normal guy doing normal things. I was just satisfying a natural urge that all men have. And since I didn’t have a real partner to satisfy this urge, it was fine for me to look. I wasn’t hurting anyone. All I was doing was just watching videos and pleasuring myself. Porn is acceptable and healthy, right?

No, it’s not.

Pornography is harmful for you in diverse ways. It’s not acceptable and healthy. It is deceptive and insidious. On the surface it may seem harmless, but in reality, it distorts your mind to tragic ends, leading you down a path to addiction, divorce, and even prison. While the majority of men do look at porn and aren’t afraid of admitting it, what they don’t share are the problems that secretly plague them.

Before I get into the problems and offer suggestions on how to quit, I’ll tell you how I stopped.

As I said before, I tried to stop porn on my own, but couldn’t. No matter hard I tried, it always pulled me back as if I was under a spell. I knew deep down it was destructive and hollow, but I couldn’t resist the endless supply of women and the quick, effortless release of an orgasm. I practically gave up until I stumbled upon a video, Your Brain on Porn by Gary Wilson.

Watching this presentation inspired me to quit. I don’t know how exactly, but I think it was because it taught me a new perspective. Rather than perceiving my porn addiction as a personal and shameful problem, I was able to see it from an objective, scientific point of view. Instead of trying to quit out of guilt and shame, I quit because I understood its adverse effects on my brain and decided it wasn’t for me. After years of daily porn use and repeatedly trying to quit, I was finally able to stop for good. I highly recommend you watch this video. It may be what you need to break free from that addiction.

Porn is misleading. It provides you with instant and exciting pleasure, but at the same time, produces a slew of damaging and embarrassing problems. These problems develop over a long period of time, so you don’t know you have them until you do. At this point, you might just think you’ve always had them and porn is unrelated. That is what porn wants you to believe. Here are some problems of pornography, written for straight men, but applicable to everyone.

Porn corrupts your mind

You probably understand the difference between a woman in a video and a real woman. A woman in a video is just an array of colorful pixels on a screen, while a real woman is an independent human being you can interact with and physically touch. This is common sense knowledge for everyone, but for your brain, it’s not. Your brain believes they’re the same.

When you watch women in erotic content, your brain believes they’re real. This is why you get aroused. Your brain actually believes that video or image is a flesh and bone female body, otherwise you wouldn’t get aroused. While she is real somewhere on the planet, she isn’t real for you. She’s just a picture on a screen, like a painting on a wall.

This takes its toll on your brain. As you masturbate to hundreds of virtual women, your brain thinks you’re actually having sex with all of them. Since it doesn’t know the difference between a picture and an actual person, as well as your hand and a vagina, your brain believes all those titillating females on the screen are real and that you’re having your way with them.

Moreover, because you have so many “women” to pick and choose from, you have the privilege to select the most attractive ones while discarding the rest. This makes you develop unrealistic standards of physical beauty, which is deluding. Real-life women at that level of beauty are uncommon and they’d probably never consider you as a mate. You are doing yourself no favors by developing these impossible and impractical standards.

This abundance of choices produces another detrimental effect. Since you have an endless supply of sexual partners, you’re always searching for new and fresh bodies. Because of this derangement, no single woman will ever make you content. You’ll always want more and more, no matter how much you have. Unless you quit porn, all these distorted views leak into your real world.

While you may think your secret porn habit is separate from the rest of your life, it isn’t. How you view women in pornography is how you start to view women in real life: mere objects to satisfy your lust. This mindset causes serious problems when it comes to relationships, whether if you’re single or have a girlfriend or wife.

Problems for Single Men

If you are single and looking for a partner, porn produces problems that make it difficult for you to find one.

The first problem is that because porn trains you to view females as objects, instead of unique individuals to be respected and appreciated, you become creepy around them. You’ll say awkward things and unconsciously stare at their bodies like a ravenous animal. Women can sense this from a mile away. They intuitively know something is wrong with you and keep their distance, both physically and emotionally. If you can’t talk to them, you won’t be able to court them or even become friends.

The second problem is that porn makes it difficult for you to settle. Since porn conditions you to obsess over physical beauty, you’re always searching for someone more sexy and attractive. Even if you find an amazing woman to date, you’re hesitant to permanently commit to her because you’re afraid of “missing out”. You tell yourself that you can find someone with a better body or prettier face, and then you will be finally content. But you won’t. Porn has brainwashed you to keep looking, and looking is what you’ll do until you quit.

The third problem is not so much about finding a partner, but rather, about finding the right one. As you objectify women in erotic videos every day, you train yourself to prioritize physical appearance over everything else. Unfortunately this mindset creeps in to your dating life. When you search for a potential partner, you fixate almost exclusively on her body’s attributes, instead of her values, character, shared interests, and everything else necessary for a healthy relationship. You won’t care if you marry a woman with a terrible or incompatible personality, just as long as she is sexy. It is only after years together, when her beauty fades and true self comes out, that you realize you made a huge mistake.

Problems for Men in a Relationship

If you already have a girlfriend or wife, porn creates problems with your relationship.

The first problem is that when you regularly use porn, it drives a wedge between you and her, splitting the foundation of your relationship. This happens because watching porn is the same as cheating. As you masturbate to women in videos, you are essentially having sex with them. While your partner may say she is fine with porn, she’s not. As she notices you looking to other women to satisfy your sexual needs, she questions her own value as your significant other. “Why does he do that? Am I not attractive enough?”

Those questions get worse as you become consumed with porn. Tensions increase and arguments magnify. You find yourself more disconnected from her as that tiny crack between you both has become an immense canyon. Over time you transform into a different person, a selfish and obsessive addict who is unable to stop.

Eventually there’s a breaking point. Your issues are too massive to ignore and you’re forced to quit porn or separate. You don’t want to divorce or break up, so you promise to quit, but you can’t. You always find yourself back to the computer or phone. So you try to hide your addiction from her and pretend everything is fine. Guilt drowns your soul until everything falls apart. She leaves you and you have nothing, except for terrible guilt, alimony payments, and some fake women on a screen. Porn produces this future. Is this what you want?

The second problem is that porn negatively impacts your sex life. I recently heard the sad story of a young man. He first encountered pornography at four years old while watching a kids video on a computer. When his mom left the room, a pop-up advertisement appeared. He clicked the pop-up and it took him to a hardcore porn website, one that immediately showed him a video of anal penetration. Since that encounter he has been addicted to porn, giving him a variety of issues.

Now at twenty years old, this man is a virgin but can’t get an erection naturally. Ordinary erotic videos don’t arouse him at all. Even the more extreme stuff rarely works. He needs Viagra, a medication for erectile dysfunction, to barely get a half erection. His life only consists of video games, sleeping, and clicking through porn. He’s unable to talk to women and views them in bitter and degrading ways. This man’s life and mind have become a mess and it’s likely because he started porn at such a young age.

A porn addiction leads to problems like this. Due to the overstimulation and overabundance of virtual women, you develop sexual performance issues such as arousal disorder and erectile dysfunction. With these problems, it’s difficult for you to get excited and have an erection, as well as even being able to orgasm. Your brain and penis are so used to masturbating to porn that regular sex with your partner is impossible.

This damages your relationship. When you try to have sex and find out you can’t, you feel less like a man since you’re unable to pleasure your girlfriend or wife. This makes you embarrassed and ashamed, but she says it’s okay. However, deep down she’s probably frustrated as well. She has her own sexual needs that you’re not fulfilling. A few times is understandable, but indefinitely? This is a serious issue that can lead to separation.

The third problem is that porn encourages you to cheat. If you’re looking at dozens of extremely sexy nude women every day, your partner seems less and less attractive. Compared to the youthful and perfectly proportioned bodies of those digital females, your partner’s body seems dull in comparison, even if she is relatively attractive.

This gnaws at the back of your mind. Your spouse isn’t that enticing anymore. She doesn’t arouse you like those other women. You want someone younger and sexier, someone who will eagerly do the naughty things the women in the videos do. But you’re comfortable in your relationship. You’ve been together too long, building a life together. While she isn’t the sexiest or most exciting partner, she’s nice and cooks excellent food so you stay with her.

One day you meet a young and attractive woman at work. She’s interested in you. You talk and occasionally flirt, but you tell yourself it’s only as friends. Time passes. You get closer and closer. During conversations with her you complain about how your partner has gained weight, and how she never does anything special for you. And then finally one day, when you go out to get drinks with this new “friend”, you cave. You cross the line and cheat.

There’s no need to describe what goes on further. Adultery leads to nowhere good. Either your partner finds out and leaves you, creating a nasty mess in the process, or you keep this lie up indefinitely as guilt tortures and numbs your soul. All this started because you watched porn. This addiction prevented you from being content and grateful for your significant other. You felt like you needed someone new, even if it cost you everything.

Porn can get out of control and destroy your life

Out of all the problems that porn brings, the following problem is the worst. It is the worst not only because it can destroy your life, it can destroy the lives of other people, including innocent children. This problem is the very real possibility that your addiction can spiral out of control, forcing you to do terrible and unforgivable things.

Here are three Wikipedia articles about three men. I want you to click each link and read their story and what they did. After you’re finished, come back here and continue reading.

Reynhard Sinaga

Larry Nassar

Richard Huckle

These men have done terrible things, but we share something in common with them. They are human beings like you and I. Because of this, we are capable of doing what they did. This is a fact. Denying this reality is naïve or ignorant of the evil that resides in all of us. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. We all have done some bad things in the past, and we can yet do more.

While this is true, these individuals are extreme outliers. They somehow fell off into a deep chasm where few other people have, and this has cost them dearly. They will never breathe free air, experience the joy of a loving hug, nor participate in the affairs of this world. Their lives and souls are gone forever, all because they let darkness and desire consume them.

I suspect their downfall started with a porn addiction. Perhaps they were regular people at one point, pursuing careers and relationships like the rest of us. During their private time they began to masturbate to porn, satisfying those “natural urges”. Whether if it was their personality, past traumatic events, or personal choice, this porn habit became an unmanageable addiction. They couldn’t get enough of it, always searching for more and more, getting so deep that they fell through the bottom.

When porn stopped arousing them, they sought other thrills to get the same high. They began to look beyond the screen and into the real world. With their manipulative skills and wicked desires, they found opportunities to sate their lust, though momentarily. Graduated from pornography, they began abusing real people.

I don’t know if they touched their first victim by accident or not. No one knows except for them. However, when they did, they chose to cross the line. I imagine after feeling the thrill of violating their first victim, they became obsessed with finding the next one. It was at this moment they stopped being a porn addict and became a sexual predator, driving them deeper and deeper into the abyss.

Two of these men are now locked up in prison for the rest of their lives. The other was also sentenced for life, but was strangled and stabbed to death by another inmate. I bet these three individuals never expected this outcome, but here they are, trapped in real world hell, both as a physical place and within their own soul. Perhaps my old church leaders were right.

Prison is dangerous and wretched place for sex offenders. I say this as a warning. If you are sentenced to prison for sex crimes, such as viewing child porn, your life becomes even more miserable than it already is. In the minds of other prisoners, you are the lowest of the low, even lower than animals. They won’t make your life easy. In fact, they will do everything possible to make you suffer, even rape you.

After prison it won’t be any easier. You’re shunned by all aspects of society. With a record as a Sex Offender, finding a job is next to impossible, as well as ideal housing. No one wants to associate themselves with you, even your old friends and family. You are forever an involuntary outcast, scorned and feared by the rest of humanity.

This isn’t the worst of it. If you are a decent person, you’re burdened by the guilt and shame of the victims you abused and the damage you created. Their lives will never be the same. You inflicted immense pain and suffering on them, causing mental, spiritual, and even physical anguish. And all this for what? Your lust for pleasure?

Keep of this in mind as you look at pornography. By continuing the habit and allowing it to infiltrate your mind, the situation I described above could be yours too. You could gradually become like them, demented and loathsome individuals who lost their lives and souls, stuck in a hell they can’t escape.

This is the reality of addiction. It does not get any better. It only gets worse and worse until you lose control and everything comes crashing down. Because of this reality, you only have one choice. You either choose to control it or allow it to control you. This reminds me of a saying I once read:

There are two types of men in this world. Men who are addicted to porn, and the men who refuse to look.

Which do you want to be? If the later, I have some suggestions on how to quit for you.

Understand the effects of porn

The first suggestion is to understand the effects of porn using your own mind. This means that you think for yourself instead of relying on me or anyone else. One effective way to accomplish this is to write.

Below are a few questions I want you to answer. They concern your personal relationship with porn. By answering them with your own words, you develop and refine your own understanding of the matter, transforming your mind in the process.

Get out a piece of paper and pen. Go to a private room and close the door. Don’t listen to any music, but sit in silence. Write down the following questions on the paper, then begin to answer them. Don’t be ashamed of anything that comes out. Just answer as truthfully as possible. This is for you, not me.

Why do you look at porn?

What are the pros of porn?

What are the cons of porn?

Why do you want to quit?

How has porn negatively affected your life?

What have you learned from reading this essay?

In order to quit porn, you need to change your attitude regarding porn. Answering questions like the ones above, as well as doing your own research, helps you achieve this. With this newfound knowledge, you can decide for yourself if watching porn is an activity you want to continue or not.

Clean up your home

Habits are notoriously difficult to change, especially if they’ve been a part of your daily ritual for years. A strategy to thwart this to intentionally disrupt your usual routine and environment. When you force yourself into a new situation, you’re better able to break old habits and replace them with new ones. To do this, I suggest you clean up your home and do a week-long detox.

You might not believe this, but your home is a reflection of your inner self. How you live reveals the state of your mind. Because of this, if you clean up your home, you are also cleaning up your mind. In this refreshed mental state, you’re better able to change yourself and get things done. It’s like in the movie, Limitless.

Eddie Morra, the main character, swallows a pill that temporarily transforms him into a focused and industrious genius. After returning to his messy and dirty apartment, the first thing he does is clean. He washes the dishes, throws out the trash, gathers and disposes unnecessary junk, and then straightens up everything. After doing that, he sits down in relief and proceeds to write a bestselling book.

While that magical pill probably doesn’t exist in real life, the principle remains true. If you want to be more productive, focused, and calm, as well as leave that porn addiction behind, you should clean up your home.

Cleaning up your home means the following: Get rid of all useless junk, do a deep clean of everything, and organize your furniture and belongings to produce a feeling of peace and purpose. Just like Eddie. Also, make sure the places wherever you looked at porn are radically changed. Doing this helps you interrupt old habits and form new ones, as your brain must adjust to the new environment.

In addition to your physical home, clean up your computer, phone, and any other device you have. These electronic tools are as much a part of your home as your apartment or house. They’re also integral to that porn addiction, so it’s imperative you clean them up.

You do this by doing a full factory reset on them (after saving any documents you want to keep), bringing them to a clean, blank slate. Once you’ve done that, try to avoid a cluttered home screen and only install apps you really need. With this fresh start, you can begin living as a new and improved person, one who refuses to look at porn.

Detox for a week

After cleaning your home and devices, I recommend that you undergo a digital detox. Take a week off from work. Go on a camping trip to a nearby forest, an area where there isn’t phone service. Keep all your gadgets at home, and leave your phone turned off and locked in the car the moment you arrive at the campsite.

Just relax during this week. Go hiking and fishing. Read a few books. Cook and eat delicious meals. Roast marshmallows over a campfire. Write down your thoughts in a journal. Create art or music. Sit silently in the forest and allow your mind to heal. Truly heal.

The first couple days are tough. You feel anxious and bored; it’s torture. The reason for this is because of your addiction. You’re experiencing withdrawal. Your brain has become so dependent on porn that it’s begging you to return. Endure those feelings. Eventually your brain starts to recover and return to a healthy state. It is then that you begin to enjoy yourself and feel a sense of peace you’ve never felt before.

As the week comes to an end, you’re surprised you haven’t looked at porn in days. You might even think you’ve overcome the addiction. This is a trap. The real test arrives once you return to your old environment, the place where your addiction was strongest. Even though you had this week-long detox, the time will come when you’re horny and alone and feel the urge to visit porn websites. When that happens, what will you do? Return to your old ways, or refuse no matter what?

If you submit to those urges, you’re almost certainly returning to your old, ingrained habits. However if you resist those urges, regardless of how tempting it is, you’re one step closer towards becoming a free man.

Keep track of your success

The third suggestion is a simple one. It’s easy too, and only takes a second each day. Once you’ve decided to quit porn and are fully committed, keep a tally of the days you’ve successful resisted porn.

You can do this by creating or buying a calendar. Note the first day you decide to be porn free. From that time forward, write down an “X” for each day you refrained from looking at porn.

If, for some reason, you slipped up and peeked at porn, write an “O”. While this is a failure, don’t let it deter you. The next day is a brand new day. Try again as if that mistake never happened. Challenge yourself to earn an unbroken chain of X’s for as long as possible.

Keep doing this and you find that the days quickly pass by. Soon you have a week of X’s, then two weeks, then months. The key is to reach 30 days of continual success. After you hit this point, it’s likely you’ve subdued your porn habit to a point where you don’t struggle as much. You might even feel so confident that you stop worrying and relax, but this can be a disastrous mistake. All it takes is one weak moment to reignite your old porn addiction.

The habits you developed in the past are always there. While you can bury and replace them, they can never be destroyed and are ready to come back with a vengeance. This is why many drug and alcohol addicts die from relapse. When they relapse, they end up going on an out-of-control bender for days. Their brain is so excited for drugs and alcohol that they don’t know their limits. This same response will happen to you if you relapse with porn.

If external incentives are useful, you can set goals with rewards. For example, if you get to 30 days of unbroken X’s, you can reward yourself by buying something nice. And if you get 90 days, you can buy something even nicer. This works great for some people, but I don’t recommend it.

Relying on external rewards is dangerous because your motivation is dependent on them instead of yourself. If those rewards somehow become unexciting, you have less reason to resist temptations of porn. Try to quit based on your own volition and understanding, rather than relying on anything or anyone else.

Commit to a higher self

The last suggestion is not a task, but an idea.

As human beings, we can develop in a variety of directions. Our experiences, environment, and choices all do their part in molding us over the length of our lives. Some of us become noble and great, while others become savage and despicable, like those three men. Most of us are somewhere in the middle, neither extremely good nor evil, but mediocre and common.

This happens because most of us have no idea who we want to be. We just go through the motions of life without a long-term goal or higher ideal to work towards. Instead of becoming someone we admire, we end up becoming whatever external forces made us. This lack of vision creates a problem that enables porn addiction.

Without a higher ideal to sacrifice for and work towards, there’s very little motivation to resist immediate pleasure. Because of this, whenever you’re offered two separate choices, like to eat or not eat cake, you always choose the easier and more immediately gratifying choice, also known as the path of least resistance.

This comes at a cost. When you go with the easier choice, you miss out on the benefits of the harder choice, which are usually long term in nature. So if you want those long-term benefits, you need to choose the hard path, even if it means sacrificing short-term pleasure.

This same occurrence happens with porn. If you have no future ideal to strive towards, what’s stopping you from indulging in sexy women and a quick orgasm? Nothing, really. Your partner may want you to stop, but that won’t do anything. The urge is too demanding in the heat of the moment that you forget her. There’s only one way to resist this urge: You must decide to resist it. And to do that, you must have a reason.

One powerful reason is to create and commit to a future ideal you want to become. In doing this, you know exactly who you want to be and what you must do. You understand that this ideal won’t come on its own, but requires that you work diligently and make personal sacrifices to forge it into reality. You also understand how submitting to short term pleasure takes you further away from this ideal. So with this earned knowledge and understanding, you choose to resist all temptations that veer you away from this path.

You are now in control. You command yourself.

The next question is, what is this ideal? There are countless ideals, often which are opposing. Some people believe George Washington was a noble patriot who helped create an amazing country, while others think he was just an evil white man who owned slaves. So which is it? Is he good or evil? That’s up to you. You must decide what your ideal is.

While this is the case, I can tell you what my ideal is.

I want to be a man who is moral, wise, courageous, humble, compassionate, and selfless. He embraces virtue, not vice; self-control, not self-indulgence. He takes full responsibility for his own choices, as well as his part in humanity. This individual wakes up early each morning to start his day and exercises, only eats the healthiest food available, avoids all mind-altering substances, and uses his free time to improve himself and serve others. He is living a purposeful life, not an empty or destructive one. He recognizes the utility of worldly things, but refuses to allow fame, riches, and pleasure to enslave him. He refuses to look at pornography, instead, devotes all of his love, passion, and attention to an individual woman whom he works to build a deep and lasting relationship with. He is in control of himself. No one or nothing else. He is the master of his soul.

I could go on, but that’s enough for now. I am nowhere close to being the man I described, but with every day I am given, I am trying my best to become that. This ideal gives me strength and purpose. He is someone I want to be. And because I truly desire this, I have a reason to resist temptations that come my way, including the siren songs of porn.

Who do you want to become?

Conclusion

Porn is evil. It twists your mind, ruins your relationships, and can destroy your life. If you allow this addiction to run rampant, it can take everything and more away from you. Transcending this beastly habit requires that you understand its effects and potential consequences. Only then you can decide for yourself. Additional tactics that aid change include cleaning out your home, going on a week-long detox, tracking your success, and visualizing and committing to a higher self. The outcome of this venture depends entirely on you and no one else. This is your life, not mine. You alone must choose how to live.

I leave you with a poem that rings true to my heart. I discovered it years ago on an adventure in Asia. Read it out loud a few times and let it seep into your soul. Perhaps it will spark something deep within you.

 

INVICTUS

by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.